


Just not enough to stay

by lwtmehome



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, I love Zayn though, I'm so mean to Li, Liam too, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, this is probably only part one, when Z left Li went through a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-08-11 13:31:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7894501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lwtmehome/pseuds/lwtmehome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam is confused, angry, sad and hurt. He wants to understand but he can't. </p><p>Until he does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just not enough to stay

For what ever reason the sky is blue and the winters are cold, Liam finds himself walking around London at 10pm, without a destination. For what ever reason his friends are going through hell, and him too, he’s thinking about the past and rewinding the moments, trying to think if he could’ve done something differently.

The wind is rather warm on his skin, but he feels cold underneath. See, this wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to find himself roaming the streets like in some sappy movie, and he sure as hell was not supposed to blame himself for Zayn leaving.

But it’s all crashing down and Liam can’t find it in himself to blame it on Zayn like Louis does. He can’t cry like Niall and Harry do, can’t even fucking call Zayn to ask what is this and why are they hearing the news from some company representative. 

Liam doesn’t feel angry, he doesn’t feel sad; he doens’t feel much of anything. Which is odd, considering his whole life has finally crumpled in to a heap of nothingness, ready to be blown off by the spring wind. 

_Why isn’t it raining? Would fit the fuckin’ mood at least,_ Liam thinks, taking longer steps as if he’s in a hurry to get to where ever he’s going. 

The air is fresh, but it feels like his lungs are finally catching up to what’s happening. A tight feeling is rising from the pit of his stomach, somehow convincing Liam that it’s gonna be there in his chest for a while.

Liam should have known something was up the day Zayn first rejected him. He should’ve known, but he was too busy being insecure, worrying about their pointless little fling, whether it was just that, meaningless sex taking place in tour buses or random hotel rooms or if Zayn might feel more for him. He was so ridiculously concentrated on what Zayn thought about him that he missed the way Zayn was pulling away from all the others too, not just Liam. 

If only he had been more present in the moment, a little less hung on to his day dreams of a new dog he’d name Zap and those new satin sheets he’d bought just to tease Zayn, perhaps then he’d seen what really was about to go down.

But he hadn’t.

Liam knows it’s only a matter of time that his mates will confront him about it:

_You were always with him! How didn’t you know?_

Then Liam would just attack Louis, because Louis is Zayn’s best mate, they do that share-your-deepest-and-darkest-secrets heart-to-heart all the time: how did _Louis_ not know?

Liam finds himself taking a turn to left towards the center of the city. Towards the familiar block of flats. His steps falter a little, slowing down.

They were all blind-sided by Zayn. 

_Did Perrie know?_

Liam knows he’s the one who should’ve known out of all of them. Zayn has never lied to him, has never bothered to. They spend almost every waking moment together, there’s no point lying to someone who knows you inside out.

Except apparently Liam didn’t.

It’s silly that he wants to be mad at Zayn for leaving the band, but the closer he gets to the block of flats, the more his anger towards Zayn lying to _him_ rises.

Had Liam been all alone in it? Thinking there was more there than just Zayn missing Perrie or him missing Sophia, thinking maybe, just maybe Zayn decided to stay for the nights because he wanted to talk to Liam, wanted to wake up next to him. 

It had felt like so much more. 

The doorman opens the door for him, seemingly baffled to see Liam storming here at this hour without a bodyguard, but explaining himself is the last thing in Liam’s mind, as he rushes to the elevator. 

It pings open, Liam steps in and pushes the top floor button. And then he waits.

Liam doesn’t have a ready script of what to say at his hands and frankly all he wants to do is punch Zayn in his pretty little face, and maybe then ask him _why._

Liam knows Zayn can’t stand the hold Modest has on them, or Syco and Simon, but when did it get too much? Why hadn’t Zayn told them? 

The doors slide open again, revealing the narrow hallway that leads up to the door of the only flat up here. Liam has about eight steps and two knocks time to think of something to say, but his brain is running on repeat: _why why why._

The door opens, revealing a red eyed Zayn.

One and a half seconds in, Zayn tries to push the door closed, but Liam’s faster, pushing inside the flat. 

The anger rises.

”What the hell is this supposed to be?” he spits as Zayn weakly closes the door, not looking at Liam.

It’s dead silent, and Liam can’t take that right now. He needs Zayn to fight him, to tell him that this was the only way, that he needed to get out, that all the shit was poisonous to him. 

”Say something! Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tell _me_ , Zayn?” Liam’s voice is booming, it’s coming out ragged and uneven, filled with anger and frustration. 

Zayn has his grey jumper on, and Liam knows he’s absolutely been crying all night judging by the way he’s hiding in that too-large sweater.

It does little to nothing to calm him, however. He takes too strides towards the older one, but comes to a halt just before the other.

”I want you to answer me,” Liam grits through his teeth.

His hands are balled in to fists right next to his sides, and it takes real self-restraint not to just shake the answer out of Zayn.

”I,” Zayn visibly gulps, his voice sounds stuffy and he’s hugging himself, ”I just wasn’t happy. I couldn’t tell ya meself.”

Liam’s eyes slowly fall shut, his palms hurt from clenching his fists. 

”You. Got. To. Be. Fucking. Kidding. Me,” all Liam sees is white, all he hears are the sounds of his thoughts coming to a stop and his anger and hurt flashing before his eyes.

”They are your brothers Zayn. They fucking love you and you can’t even tell them yourself. I have never been this fucking disappointed in my life before, and honestly I can’t believe you out of all of us would do this. _How can you do this to us?_ ”

Liam’s voice echoes around the room and Zayn is flinching on every word, but he’s not moving away. Liam knows somewhere deep inside his mind that Zayn can’t be alright, but he’s so _hurt_ and he feels more abandoned than ever, because Zayn wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

”Babe? What’s going on, who’s yelling?” Perrie comes down to the living space, her voice dying down little by little as she sees Liam.

On Perrie’s face Liam can see sympathy and guilt dancing together, immediately realizing the one thing he did not want to realize.

Zayn is silently crying now, pressing his lips together. His eyes are closed, but he’s not moving an inch. 

Another wave of anger rises in Liam.

”Her? _She knew?_ ” 

”Hey, leave him alone, okay? It’s not easy for him, Liam. He needed to tell some—” Perrie is walking towards them but stops as soon as Liam raises his hand.

”Don’t. This does not concern you, Perrie. He should’ve come to us,” Liam turns to look at Zayn again, who’s finally meeting his gaze, ”he should’ve come to _me._ ” 

Silence falls upon them, Liam isn’t turning gaze away and Zayn seems to make a decision.

”Perrie I think you should go now. I need to talk with Liam,” the older says, finally stepping away from Liam and giving Perrie a pleading look.

”Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable leaving you here with him, Zayn. He’s mad and you never know,” Perrie’s words hit Liam like a ton of bricks, and as he turns around to see Perrie genuinely worried, he shakes his head.

”I would never hurt him.” 

Liam doesn’t explain further, he doesn’t have to. If Perrie thinks he could hurt Zayn out of all people, she’s crazy. 

_Or just ignorant,_ Liam’s brain reminds him.

”Go, Perrie, I’ll be fine,” Zayn motions for Perrie to leave, whom reluctantly gives Zayn a hug and a kiss to the cheek, before stepping out of the door.

The click of the lock seals the room into silence once more. 

Liam feels the anger seep out of his veins, slowly being replaced by hurt and weariness. He doesn’t say anything, just makes his way to the couch and sits down, hiding his face in to his hands.

How did they come to this? How is this his life? 

It has been crazy for years, yes, but never like this. Never in a million years did Liam think he’d have to face a situation like this one. Especially not with Zayn. Liam feels utterly tired, utterly defenseless and lost, like he's about to face the inevitable, like he's about to cut off his arm and he can't help it. He hates it. 

”I’m sorry, Liam,” Zayn’s voice comes from right next to Liam, and when he raises his head, he notices the other one sitting right next to him.

Zayn looks thinner and somehow a lot more older than Liam remembers. He looks tired and worn out, his shoulders are hunched and his head is hanging. He’s not the Zayn Liam hugged to sleep just three months ago. 

”Stop apologizing and tell me what’s going on,” the anger is gone, but Liam can still hear the frustration in his own voice. 

Zayn lets out a humourless chuckle before turning to face Liam.

”Don’t you get tired of this kinda life too? Like, ever? I don’t mean tired like when you want to sleep it off for two weeks. I mean tired in the way, like, you feel like you’ve been pretending for four years and suddenly you don’t know who you are anymore? Like you have tons of thoughts inside your head but you’re not allowed to say them aloud. Ever?” 

For a second there, Liam thinks he sees the Zayn he knows. The passion in his eyes, the liveliness in his voice, but it’s gone in a blink, replaced with this Zayn.

”I don’t,” Liam shakes his head despite everything, because it’s the truth. 

He’s never been more home than when he’s been on stage with the boys. 

”I mean,” Liam sighs, inches closer to Zayn, ”there are things I’ve had to give up for this career, but isn’t it always like that? You can’t have it all. For whatever shit we go through, those moments on stage and making a new album make up for it.”

Zayn shakes his head and Liam can see the tears welling up in his eyes.

”Not for me, Liam. This just isn’t what I wanna do anymore,” Zayn takes a shuddering breath before leaning into Liam, circling his hands around him.

”I’ve loved these years. I love the fact that I got to do it with you guys but I don’t want to give up me freedom, Liam.” 

”I love you.” 

Not exactly the words Liam planned on saying, but it’s too late to regret it. It’s too late for everything now, he realizes. It’s too late to make Zayn stay, it’s too late to pretend he doesn’t love Zayn and it’s way too late to lie about it now.

”I love you too.”

Liam profusely ignores the skip of his heart and closes his eyes.

”Just not enough to stay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm already working on the second part. I miss Zayn very much a lot so this happened. I think Liam might've missed him even more.


End file.
